"Destined for Evil; Purposed by GOD" (Personal testimony of Kimberly Joy)
First, I am not one who believes GOD allowed my abuse (or any other person's abuse) so that I would be able to help others. I do not feel I could serve a "God" such as that... because if GOD could allow something, He could just as easily dis-allow it! For Him to allow the abuse of a child, would make Him an accomplice & a child abuser!
The truth is, that we were all born into a fallen, sin-filled world... & sin separates us from GOD. GOD does not override anyone's will, & as a result of man's fallen nature, evil things happen, such as death, sickness, & abuse. But GOD speaks; He calls; He draws; He loves! And when we come to the place where we are willing to give our lives & our pain to Him (an act of our will, given by a sovereign GOD) ...He will take what the enemy meant for our destruction & turn it for our good, for the good of others, & for His glory!
ೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋ"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end [a future and a hope]."Jeremiah 29:11ೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋ
I am Kim, age 39, & came to the LORD at age 13. I was born & raised in an extreme form of generational abuse called "SRA" or satanic ritual abuse, & mind control. In short, SRA & mind control involves abuse & torture of all kinds, encompassing emotional, verbal, mental abuse, as well as sexual, physical, & spiritual abuse & torture.
As a result of this, my mind coped by "splitting" into alter personalities... meaning, I have DID (dissociative identity disorder), formerly known as MPD (multiple personality disorder). Due to the extreme nature of the abuse, I am "poly-fragmented" meaning the number of alters is into the thousands (somewhere over 2,000). As a result of trauma being introduced pre-birth, I was born already having my mind split... which is very common, & desired in SRA/mind control because the mind is ready for cult/mind control "programming" from birth.
Early on in life, I (the Core Part of me/Kim) retreated inside (the mind) & so others "did life" in my stead, while I/Core (Kim) remained a few steps back from the surface... experiencing life & emotions through the filter of my alters (mainly, an alter group "Kims" who functioned as "one" but all answered to "Kim"). "Kims" did life in normal non-abusive situations, & any time a person approached us, there was an internal convo:"Who is this person? What are their motives? Are they safe? What should we do? How should we respond? Should we talk to them?" (Which conversation seemed to take minutes, but in actuality took only a few seconds.) If it was deemed "unsafe" then "Kims" would retreat inside (with Core Kim) & others would move forward to experience whatever negatives were going on, on the outside.
I first remember attending a Christian church when I was age 6. A local pastor & his wife would come pick us up (me, my older sis, younger bro, & our mom) for SS each week. I think that went on about 2 or 3 months, not sure. But, a very important thing happened - a seed was planted! My older sis (about age 8) had a Sunday School memory verse, & she repeated it over & over, so many times, that I remembered it!
ೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋ"Behold, I stand at the door & knock; & if any man hear my voice & open the door, I will come in to him, & will sup with him, & he with me." (Rev 3:20)ೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋ
We didn't attend long, but the seed was planted, even tho I did not know much of anything about who GOD was... satan tried very hard to snatch the seed away from my heart through more abuse, & very dark times!
Most of my 39 birthdays, I do not remember. But I do remember some things about my 7th birthday. I got a bicycle for my birthday. I had an uncle whose birthday was next to mine, and his birthday cake was on display next to mine... shaped like a completely nude woman (in full detail). My cake was "Snow White and the Seven Drawfs." (Disney-related themes are very commonly used in mind control programming. This theme was purposefully used for my 7th birthday. Snow White bit an apple and fell asleep to be reawaken later by her prince charming. You will notice this "sleep/awake" theme after reading the account, below.) When I/we were age 7, I endured a ritual (which took place inside -what looked like- a church) during which I was presented to a satanic "high priest" & was (re)dedicated to satan & the Anti-christ. This ritual was based upon Lev ch 16 and the "Day of Atonement" sacrifices.
DISTURBING TO READ! ***********************************************************
Nearly the whole congregation was female & everyone was in some euphoric high. My older sister (age 9) was there, & we were brought there by an aunt on our dad's side. A mean-faced woman approached me & gave me a scripture (satan knows the Scripture & knows how to twist it!). She took my hand & led me forward to the high priest next to the altar. There were two altars, & two women... giving birth (one next to each altar). The births were very violent & painful for both mother & baby ...the more pain, the better. Pain is a form of "worship" & enhances dissociation (splitting) of the mind (both mother & baby). The one baby was allowed to live ...the other was not. (In Lev ch 16, the atonement/"sacrifice" and the "scapegoat.") The high priest caused me to receive "communion" with him. :( (Not "bread and wine" but... baby.) Then he poured blood over my head ("baptism/dedication") & we "worshiped god" next to the altar ...which means he raped me next to the altar. :(
As a result of this (& many other similar events) Kims & I/Kim retreated deeper inside, & remained inside for the next 3 years.
When Kims/Kim "woke up" I was age 10 & living in another home/town. We awoke to very intense mental & spiritual anguish ...visions of our torture & "God" taunting us, not helping or rescuing ...WHY was he not helping us?? ...we were evil, doomed, tainted from the beginning! "Destined" ...to serve Anti-christ! "God" could NEVER love us or accept us ...in fact, "God" hated us & we deserved it!! (Thinking that went on in my/our mind. It is intended that the idea of "love " & "God" & "Jesus" be tainted in every possible way in the mind of the SRA/mind control survivor, & this is taught in every way imaginable!)
I saw GOD as my abuser. (It was not safe to consciously know what our reality was.) I took on the abuse as my identity, even erasing most of that info from my conscious mind = not safe to know! So instead of being angry at my abusers, my mind did not "know" or acknowledge their existence... & I took on the identity of what was done to me. My parents & the others were good & I was the bad one; I was the tainted one; I was the invisible one; I was dirty, doomed, unlovable, unsavable! It took me till the age of 14 to allow the faint memories of sexual abuse to surface in a sort of foggy way. Even though it was a daily occurrence, my mind had effectively erased most of it from consciousness, so that I could survive!
(Note: Seeing "God" as both "good" & also "bad" is duplicity. Cults & mind control groups know how to program minds of their victims to think this way... like serving Jekyll & Hyde as "God." You never know when he would turn on you & hurt you ...& you deserved what you got!!)
Age 10 was an awakening to much anguish, but it was also the time when I began to hear the voice ...HIS voice - the voice of the One TRUE JESUS CHRIST!!! He sought me out! He followed me ...everywhere I went, I heard His voice, "I love you, Kim ...the life you are in is not what I have planned for you. I want you to serve Me." He taught my heart about Himself... He was persistent... patient! He sought me out!One Sunday morning, when I was age 10, we attended a local church (Assembly of GOD) & the pastor's daughter was our teacher. She asked if there was anyone there who wasn't saved. (Saved?!) I thought to myself... "I don't know what saved means, but whatever it is, I know I'm not!!" So I shyly raised my hand... & she led me in a prayer to accept Christ. But I had NO idea what I was saying or what it meant! I was still lost!
When we were out in the main service, she got up to sing & testified, with tears, that she had a Sunday School student get "saved" ....I was soooo embarrassed! My face turned red & hot, & I sunk down in my pew thinking to myself, "Lady, whatever you do, please do not mention my name!" (And she didn't, haha!) But that, too, was a seed planted! We did not attend regularly... maybe once every 3 or 4 months(??) I really do not remember anything significant about those times.
Time went on, & for 3 years, Jesus called to me, & for 3 years, I turned Him away! But one Sunday morning, in that same church, at the age of 13, I felt GOD's love so strongly I could no longer tell Him no! For 3 years, He wooed my heart, revealed Himself to me... and for 3 years, my answer was "no." But through His mercy (WOW!) He saved me that day when I was age 13, in that same Assembly of GOD church. I've been His ever since!! I was filled with His Holy Spirit - wow!! It was radical change! GOD instantly delivered me from several major strongholds! I went home & witnessed to my dad (who never went to church with us) about GOD's amazing love!
We all witnessed to him. My older sister (then, age 15), lil brother (then, age 9), & our mom, were saved as well. But soon, within about 6 months, I was the only one left still actively serving GOD. Things were too hard - I don't know. I later found out that my dad would tell my mom, "Either you stay home, or she stays home!" I had to stay home sometimes, but soon, my mom opted to stay so I could go, & it simply became too much for her. :(
I faced many many spiritual attacks... literally, physically being attacked by demonic spirits that filled our home! Mental/spiritual battles too many to count! BUT, GOD kept me!! He & I spent many hours in communion... in my bedroom, as a baby Christian... it was JESUS, me, my Bible, my southern gospel music... & I'd spend hour upon hour in prayer, Bible study, & writing words to the many gospel songs I had recorded off the radio. My room was my safe place! Everyone knew my radio was only to be used for Christian music & preaching! ;) I was ridiculed & hated b/c of my stand... by my parents (mom had gone away from GOD) & extended family.
At age 14, I went into foster care... the same young woman who prayed with me to receive Christ, was my foster mom a year later, when I was age 14... but only for a few months, b/c my dad sent a note to school thru my sis telling me he loved me, & was going to church & wanted me home so we could go to church together as a family. I believed him... & asked the "charges be dropped" & I was allowed to go back home. He lied of course, & soon my dad & mom divorced. She still allowed him back though - many times! She even remarried him when I was 17, only to discover he was also married to another woman. (bigamy) He was jailed for that. She divorced him again.
Anyway - my life has been anything BUT "normal." The abuse was perpetrated by both parents as well as extended family members, neighbors, & strangers. I was born a multiple (trauma already introduced pre-birth in order to split the mind & make it more easily programmed to respond by cues) ...witnessed deaths (sacrifices & others) by age 3, taught sexual services by age 3, forced "abortions," daily sexual abuse & molestation... insertion by body parts as well as objects.
Rituals were absolutely horrific! Burials in coffins, & rape by entities in attempt to demonize & convince that we belonged to satan ("evil"). In fact, a name was given... "Evil." (The young 3 yr old alter who held this memory was continually "locked away" into a "box" deep within a pit whose sides would cave in on her if she ever ceased to do her job of "knowing" she was "Evil.") But True Jesus came & rescued her from the pit!
**The following paragraphs detail how the LORD - One True JESUS - with the help of our prayer counselor, walked this Little One through a traumatizing memory & rescued her! (This describes the process of healing... as the LORD calls Each Part of me unto Himself to receive HIS healing TRUTH and LOVE! I call this process = being "born of GOD" as based upon I Jn 5:4, 5, that says whatsoever ...or whatever part of us we give to HIM ...is BORN of GOD ...overcomes the world. We cannot overcome in certain areas until/unless we give them to HIM!)
One day, in 2006, our dear GOD-sent friend & counselor prayed with this little one, & this little one chose to accept His help! He took her out of that pit - box & all, & placed it onto the ground... but she was still in the box! And she was terrified to get out! What if she was "bad" again, & would be made to get back into the box? What if she couldn't be a "good girl" (please her abusers) ...after all, she was Evil! ...wasn't she??
Again, our friend asked her if she wanted to allow True Jesus to help her get out of the box. She reluctantly agreed. So they asked True Jesus to help her... but He told her that she had to CHOOSE to get out of the box! Wow! Could she do it?!? She wanted to! She decided she would try. Very timidly & cautiously, she placed one foot, & then the other, onto the ground. And an amazing thing happened! As soon as her feet were on the ground, True Jesus kicked the box & shattered it into a million pieces! She knew that they could never make her get into that box again! Our LORD is so amazing!!!
Well... the little one looked around & reported to our friend that she was outside, it was dark, & "all the people are gone." She said that she was in some grass, & there were trees in the distance ...& that there was something next to her, but she wasn't going to look at it, because she already knew "it was only a tree stump." ("Denial.") Our friend asked her if she wanted to look at it... she didn't want to, but decided she would look. She discovered that it wasn't a tree stump at all. She said it was "black, & flat... like a blanket... & something's under it."
She wondered what was under it, but did not want to look. But the LORD assured her He would be right there with her & would help her look. As soon as she moved the blanket & peeked under, it startled her, as she saw that it was herself under that blanket! She immediately began to relive the whole incident... sucked back into the body, laying there on her back, as if she were dead, immobile.
Her words... "I thought I was dead. I haf to lay here. [labored breathing] Bad stuff going in... very bad! Don't like it!! [more labored breathing, weak cries] I don't belong to me anymore... I belong to them! ...and he say I like it, but I don't!" (Raped, violated in every way, by evil!) :((Just then, True Jesus stepped in & removed her from that horror! He held her... & she reported to our friend that... "I'm not outside anymore... safe now... warm. I see bright white... feathers, and gold around the edges." (She was being held bythe LORD JESUS...& she was seeing the back of Daddy-GOD... His wings & the gold around the edges of His wings!:)
**We can see this principle in the Word of GOD where we are hid with CHRIST in GOD... Colossians 3:3. Psalm 57:1-3 and Psalm 91 all speak of being sheltered under the shadow of His wings and that HE (JESUS CHRIST)is our Secret Place! And even when Moses was in the cleft of the rock (representative of JESUS) GOD passed by and Moses saw the "hinder parts" (the back of) GOD! PRAISE GOD!!!**
From that point on, she chose a new name for herself... Good Girl. :) She is ever safe in His arms!
ೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋ"Whatsoever is born of GOD overcomes the World. And THIS is the VICTORY that overcomes the world - EVEN OUR FAITH! Who is he/she who overcomes the world, but he/she who believes that JESUS IS the Son of GOD!" (I Jn 5: 4, 5)ೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋ
The LORD gave us a song soon after. We'd never heard it before, but He miraculously provided us a cassette tape at a store for $1 ...the last one like it! And on this tape, a song entitled "Like a Blanket" fits our experience to the very detail. (By the Ruppes, it is available @ CBD.com as a download for 99cents!)
I was delivered of MANY things at that instant when GOD saved me, but healing was not instant! He will only heal what is given to Him ...but due to dissociation (& that I was still under authority of my parents) I was not consciously aware of the satanic ritual abuse that occurred still, even daily. My mind still coped in the same ways... by switching and blocking out parts of my life. Due to this, abuse & trauma were an ongoing occurrence well into adulthood (even recent as early 2010). (This is not uncommon in the life of an SRA & mind controlsurvivor.)I still face threats to my safety & that of my children & loved ones. And I was sexually assaulted on Mother's Day of 2009... the 2 year anniversary of making the decision to leave the church we were in for 13 years. I do not remember it, but was left with physical injuries (as at other times) & had to see doctors for those injuries. (They also left some "mementos" for me ...pictures on my cell phone which I discovered 2 days later.) Even so, I faced a HUGE amount of denial & deleted the pictures from my cell phone (after some I shared with someone I trusted = my prayer counselor). (Denial feels "safe" and besides ...I couldn't remember & was afraid for my safety & that of my children!) I do not know (at least on a conscious level) who is responsible, but I was being harassed & stalked during that time, by members of the church we came out of 2 years prior. We still live within walking distance of most of the members of that fellowship.
Over the years, GOD has brought me to a place of being able to face these things, & to get FREE!! (You cannot be FREE until you KNOW, by taking hold of, the TRUTH!) Denial (and dissociation/switching) is not conducive to truth. In order to survive & protect, the mind has an extreme "NEED - NOT TO KNOW" ...dissociation and splittingis the only way a small child/infant can live (and not go crazy or die) with knowing both the "good" & the evil that is their life. Until a person realizes & the amnesic barriers (walls) in the mind are broken through, then they will continue to cope with life through dissociation, or switching out different alter personalities when life is intolerable. (Ongoing trauma & cult accessing intensifies this "need" for dissociation in order to survive and protect those they love ...it is a vicious cycle to live in!) "Knowing" (coming out of denial and dissociation) means secrets might get out ("talking") & talking means threat of death to us or someone/s we love!
Being free is as much (or MORE) a spiritual issue as it is physical. We may be under threat of bodily harm, or losing our lives (because we are breaking the code of silence) but we are FREE as we know where our safety is! We abide in HIM and in HIS TRUTH! Like Steven, we (the children of GOD) can abide in His love, while this body is enduring the harshest of pain or even death... because we KNOW we are HIS!! The more we walk in this truth, the more FREE we become ...and our outward lives will follow suit!
I still deal with DID/MPD, but the LORD has walked me through MUCH healing, & integration over the past 4 years. I attended a Celebrate Recovery program for about 3 years total, and have received Christian Theophostic Prayer counseling for about 4 years. The Lord has helped me learn to move away from denial & accept my past as something that happened TO ME (and not "someone/s else"). Safe churches are very hard to find for an SRA survivor, but at times, being able to attend a safe church has been an opportunity where I was able to learn to form safe relationships & friendships. I am learning to accept GOD-love through other people (which I/we were taught- and believed -we could never have!).
I am learning to live in a more connected way... of not having to experience life through many filters (layers & layers of alters). Life is very interesting!! Colors are more vivid & I am noticing details I never saw before - wow! Emotions are more intense than I ever knew they could be!! WOW!! (But sometimes, overwhelming... !!?)
I am SO SO SO grateful to my LORD (the One True JESUS) for seeking me out & saving me!! He is so merciful & His love is deeper than words can attempt to describe!! I've been translated! ...from satan's "destiny" for me unto GOD's PURPOSE for my life!! I will LIVE & NOT DIE ...& DECLARE the works of the LORD!!!!!!! YES!!!! GOD is GOOD!!! LOVE is GOOD!!! Thank You, JESUS!!!!!!! ♥
NOT your typical testimony, I know.... right?? Where do we fit within the Church, pastor, and fellow brothers and sisters in CHRIST? What is GOD saying to the Church about ministry to SRA/mind control survivors with MPD? My heart breaks for those ...many many who are searching for their way out! And the Church has their answer... just a SAFE PLACE to break the silence! They will know they are SAFE when someone just LOVES THEM ...with true, unconditional GOD-love ...the love that does not run away, shun, reject, push away, point fingers, judge, or hurt!! Most of the Church says they have that love ...but most of the Church also would turn me (and others like me) away, or else speak one thing (love) & do another = pretend we do not exist. It hurts like crazy!! I HURT!!
I've reached out MANY times, to people within the Church, only to be turned away. But I've got the LORD. Alone?? Yes! But ultimately, I know where to go ...just makes for a much lonelier walk! But brothers and sisters, where do the others turn to, if the Church doesn't want to look at these things? Who will reach out to them? Are there any castaways who are deemed "untouchable" or unreachable to our LORD? I'm living proof that is not so!
I feel it is imperative in these Last Days for GOD's Church, the true body of CHRIST, to move into uncharted territories of ministry... these are the ones who satan has intended to be the "sleeping army" for the Anti-christ! These "mind-controlled slaves" are receiving their "Wake up!" orders (as I myself am witness to) ...the Body of CHRIST is receiving theirs too! I FIRMLY BELIEVE THIS!!! How long will the Church sleep?!!
Spoken with CHRIST-love... please understand my heart! They are out there, sisters & brothers, lost & ...searching for THE Truth!
The LORD will teach you ...He will teach anyone who says "yes" to His call to go out into the Harvest Fields! I'm praying the LORD of the Harvest to "Send forth laborers into the fields!" The fields are white & ready to harvest...we are THERE! PLEASE pray about this... & the LORD will do the rest! We know we cannot do anything without His leading! Right? <3